Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
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It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
if you’re having a bad day, remember, there are people out there who have their ex’s name tattooed on themselves.
Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask “which country?”
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
me: one shitty donut with gross frosting please
bagel employee: you don’t have to come here, you know
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.