@KeetPotato

date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”

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@mrjohndarby

me: I need a really lengthy snake

pet shop guy: how many feet?

me: none

@FriendlyAssh0le

if you’re having a bad day, remember, there are people out there who have their ex’s name tattooed on themselves.

@jwoodham

Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask “which country?”

@beefman138

I have nothing positive to report.

Except that roadside drug test.

@Ristolable

“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son

@seanforhire

[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin

[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–

[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…

[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*

@captainkalvis

me: one shitty donut with gross frosting please

bagel employee: you don’t have to come here, you know

@jordan_stratton

Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.