date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
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WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Twitter remains undefeated
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.