Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
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[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
me
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office