date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
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what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.