DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
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[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers