@SirEviscerate

DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*

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@bingowings14

‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’

– Our sodding cat

@KentWGraham

I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.

@BoomBoomBetty

[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]

stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you

@TinaraMinus10

DON’T YOU LIKE ME! I WANNA MARRY YOU! WHY AM I IN THE TRUNK!

-and other things I hear from guys on first dates

@KielyHealey

You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?

@LittleMissAngr1

I see you pull into my driveway and my heart races. My loins burn. My tummy flutters. I love you, food delivery man.

@david8hughes

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps

@Mostly_Cheese

*gets in taxi*

Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.

Cabbie: Where to?

Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.

@eedrk

girl: My dad died when i was little, his car got hit by a train
Me: what kind of train

@ChaseMit

Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years