DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
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Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Lmbo
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Oh the world we live in…
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!