Date: Do u have any allergies?

Me: I’m allergic to raisins. They make me cry

D: That’s an unusual reaction

M: They could’ve been wine!!

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My body is the result of thousands of pull ups.

Pull up to the donut shop
Pull up to the drive thru window
Pull up results for “nearest pizza buffet”


AUSTRALIA: Massive community barbecue has been planned in Perth, outside the home of a vegan woman who took her neighbour to court because she could smell barbecued meat in her backyard.


Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that


How to dress like Lady Gaga: 1. Go to ikea. 2. Pick a object that doesn’t belong on your head. 3. Put it on your head.


As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”


Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.


My voicemail greeting:

Hey, it’s me. Please hang up and text me.


That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”