@SaraMansford

Date: Do u have any allergies?

Me: I’m allergic to raisins. They make me cry

D: That’s an unusual reaction

M: They could’ve been wine!!

You Might Also Like

@RickAaron

My body is the result of thousands of pull ups.

Pull up to the donut shop
Pull up to the drive thru window
Pull up results for “nearest pizza buffet”

@spectatorindex

AUSTRALIA: Massive community barbecue has been planned in Perth, outside the home of a vegan woman who took her neighbour to court because she could smell barbecued meat in her backyard.

@MelvinofYork

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that

@SimplyNamedTron

How to dress like Lady Gaga: 1. Go to ikea. 2. Pick a object that doesn’t belong on your head. 3. Put it on your head.

@GrantTanaka

As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”

@CourtneyBale

Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.

@One_FineMess

My voicemail greeting:

Hey, it’s me. Please hang up and text me.

@brunopieroni

That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”