If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
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[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
My current situation
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.