“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
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Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?