Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
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HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
I’m not proud
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Employees must applaud the planets.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it