Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
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A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.