date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
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I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars