DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
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How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
🤣🤣🤣
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.