date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
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ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing