DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
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The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..