@truegritrumble

DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.

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@serendipitydon1

I just found the Covid-19 Yelp page and left such a scathing review that it may kill the virus.

@abbycohenwl

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

@Token_Geezer

Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single

@mjm866

You are not truly drunk until you have a jar of peanut butter in your hand and your looking for the dog

@ItsAndyRyan

Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s

@2tonbug

Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro

@Tmoney68

Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.

@mindflakes

People often ask me if there’s a good reason why I’m sitting in their birdbath, but there almost never is

@ibid78

“Your word is ‘oujia'”
-could you use that in a seance?
[spelling bee judge puts hand over the mic] I think.. I think this guy just won