I just found the Covid-19 Yelp page and left such a scathing review that it may kill the virus.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
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Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
You are not truly drunk until you have a jar of peanut butter in your hand and your looking for the dog
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
People often ask me if there’s a good reason why I’m sitting in their birdbath, but there almost never is
“Your word is ‘oujia'”
-could you use that in a seance?
[spelling bee judge puts hand over the mic] I think.. I think this guy just won