Date: Do you practice safe sex?

Me: I use the pull out method

Date: That doesn’t work!

Me *pulls out accordion*

Date: I don’t want to have sex with you

Me: It always works

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If you’re bored, wear a cape. Then you can be Super Bored


in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there


If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?


So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.


The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.


Cop: Why are you speeding?

Me: I’m super late for work

Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down

Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work


Do you have FB?
Do you have Twitter?
What do you have?
A life.

Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.


[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”