@ArfMeasures

Date: Do you practice safe sex?

Me: I use the pull out method

Date: That doesn’t work!

Me *pulls out accordion*

Date: I don’t want to have sex with you

Me: It always works

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@chrisdelia

Waitress: Breakfast is over

Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.

Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.

Me: Okay, eggs then.

Waitress: Bacon or sausage?

Me: …Bacon.

Waitress: Do you want toast?

Me: ….

@dugglebutt

*cactus hasn’t died in a year*

*adds botanist to resumé*

@EndhooS

[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting

@XplodingUnicorn

Reasons Pluto is so cold:

3) It’s far from the sun

2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.

1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.

@MomOnFire

I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.

@yoyoha

How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright

@Donna_McCoy

I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.

@Lhlodder

Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.

It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.