@ArfMeasures

Date: Do you practice safe sex?

Me: I use the pull out method

Date: That doesn’t work!

Me *pulls out accordion*

Date: I don’t want to have sex with you

Me: It always works

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@Jubafisher

If you’re bored, wear a cape. Then you can be Super Bored

@karlhess

in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there

@FabMommy29

If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?

@TravLeBlanc

So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.

@RodLacroix

The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.

@squirrel74wkgn

Cop: Why are you speeding?

Me: I’m super late for work

Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down

Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work

@Carbosly

Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.


Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.

@david8hughes

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”