Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
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Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.