DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
You Might Also Like
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
I was up all night reading about insomnia
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.