[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
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Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Velcrow
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE