Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
You Might Also Like
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
describing stardew valley
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂