Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
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recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.