Recently had a cat-scan.
They didn’t find any cats.
DATE: *gets in car*
ME: hi *starts driving*
DATE: how’s it going?
ME: first, gas is sparked in the combustion chamber to push the pistons
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You really have to question the judgment of people who have children on purpose.
This day in history. 1888. Police received the “From Hell” letter from Jack the Ripper threatening further monstrous attacks on the English language.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
*Knocks on door*
Hey open up. You didn’t reply to my last 43 texts & then you tweeted about a guy who keeps annoying you. You need help?
Always put the important stuff in the first part of your tweet, because no one will cat basket the walnuts if there’s pickletits at the end.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.