@RoosterMustache

DATE: *gets in car*

ME: hi *starts driving*

DATE: how’s it going?

ME: first, gas is sparked in the combustion chamber to push the pistons

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@nayele18

You really have to question the judgment of people who have children on purpose.

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1888. Police received the “From Hell” letter from Jack the Ripper threatening further monstrous attacks on the English language.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a seabird.

Puffin: can I fly?

God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?

Puffin: oh good.

God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?

Puffin: I know right? lol.

Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.

@Mormonger

Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s

@CulturedRuffian

Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.

@allisongeroi

I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account

@KKAlThani

*Knocks on door*
Hey open up. You didn’t reply to my last 43 texts & then you tweeted about a guy who keeps annoying you. You need help?

@cluedont

Always put the important stuff in the first part of your tweet, because no one will cat basket the walnuts if there’s pickletits at the end.

@2tickytacky

I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.