A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
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So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
I got bills
They’re multiplying
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”