Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
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“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
was Jim off killing horses or…
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.