Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?

Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to

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Ab Muscles: You’re having ANOTHER cookie?

Brain: Yep!

Ab Muscles: You’re just never planning on seeing us again?

Brain: Nope!


Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is


Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.


Them: The children are our future.

The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]


Invention idea:

Written versions of audio books.


Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.


DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.


Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?

Me: I don’t want to talk about it.

Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT


Mom: I brought you into this world and I can take you out

Me: Who taught you about laws, mom? Granny?

Granny: I’m allowed to kill everyone


Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?