I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
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Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Social Media and Real life
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die