This story is comedy gold 😂
You Might Also Like
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
How to draw a duck
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out