Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
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ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own