You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
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I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
me before I type out affect or effect
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
This hospital has everything
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A level of petty I can get with 🤣
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?