[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
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I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn