Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
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If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
I triple waxed for this?
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Does beer think about me too?
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.