Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
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People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.