date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
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Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.