well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
date: i like a lot of music but i’m really into rock
me: [trying to impress her] oh yeah me too
date: really? what’s your favorite subgenre?
me: [visibly sweating] s-sedimentary
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*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?
*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
I took over 50,000 steps today by taping my fitness bracelet to my Roomba.
[a girl favs my tweet]
[goes to pharmacy]
one condom please
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Me: Doctor, it hurts when I go like this.
Doctor: You’re not doing anything. You’re just sitting there being alive.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.