Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
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Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.