@ArfMeasures

Date: I like guys who are sensitive

Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth

Date: I like guys who are sensitive

Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth

- @ArfMeasures

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@ch000ch

*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok

@Davesub10S

Star Wars 7 is when they all realize that they are just Andy’s toys.

@david8hughes

Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.

@Marlebean

Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.

@SondraDeeMe

[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion

@iTomFoolery

If it was the choice between having the last pizza on earth or the last sex on earth, which toppings would you have on your pizza.

@lincnotfound

her: do you believe in astrology?

me: yeah of course stars exist

her: no like horoscopes

me: ohhh, i use a telescope

@Sarcasmo718

When I’m sad I drive over to Keanu Reeve’s house and watch him check the mailbox for scripts.

@SondraDeeMe

COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.