Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
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i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
i’m still crying at this
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.