Date: I like guys who are sensitive

Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth

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As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.

Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”



*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”


My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.


I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”


You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship


If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.


Honey I’m home from Costco.

“You didn’t buy anything stupid this time?”

[looks outside at kayak strapped to roof rack]

Define stupid?


“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”

– 11yo, not wrong