Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
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Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
is this how new cars are made??
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg