Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
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men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!