cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
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“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question