I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
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ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.