@MarfSalvador

date: I like it when guys know what they want in life

me: *megaphone right in her face* ham

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@LizHackett

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.

@chuuew

ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock

RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?

ME: No. I need it for work

@PhilJamesson

i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play

@DadandBuried

My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.

Have kids, they said.

@fro_vo

me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you

@zachreinert03

I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something

@ABurgerADay

“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals

@jenlapcomedy

Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.

Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.

@RunOldMan

I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.