date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
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[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC