@ArfMeasures

Date: I like old fashioned guys

Me: I have polio

You Might Also Like

@JohnLyonTweets

*Computer crashes, I reboot it*

Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.

Me: Don’t put this on me, man.

@trojansauce

DATE: *takes a sip of her water*
ME: haha ok wow can you tone down the pda you’re behaving very erotically

@notseriouslyamy

Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms

@TheOnion

Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present

@TheThryll

CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.

@MatCro

[meeting]

DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI

PRODUCER: Yes!

D: A huge cast

P: Agreed!

D: Realistic family photos

P: We don’t have the budget

@kimtopher22

To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.