Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
You Might Also Like
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
This could be us… but you playing
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.