Date: I like old fashioned guys

Me: I have polio

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*Computer crashes, I reboot it*

Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.

Me: Don’t put this on me, man.


DATE: *takes a sip of her water*
ME: haha ok wow can you tone down the pda you’re behaving very erotically


Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms


Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present


CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.



DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI


D: A huge cast

P: Agreed!

D: Realistic family photos

P: We don’t have the budget


To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.