DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
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My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Got him!
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies