DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
You Might Also Like
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
same energy
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
uh oh
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.