date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
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Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years