@FredTaming

date: i like the strong silent type

me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]

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@turtledumplin

My oldest son & his gf were cooking & asked me how many 1/4 cups are in 1 cup ….

Gonna write a nasty letter 2 college & ask for a refund

@noog

Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous

@ArfMeasures

Vet: We have to put his dog down

Assistant: You tell him

Vet: No, you

Assistant: You!

Vet: YOU!

John Wick: What are you two whispering about?

@bobvulfov

[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail

@ElgatoEsmio

[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]

“Get out of here, NOW!”

“Why?”

“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”

@aysashaya

Strip search? … OK, but I’m going to need some background music.

@ktmcburr

“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.