@FredTaming

date: i like the strong silent type

me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]

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@Darlainky

At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.

@ThatBrenna

I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”

@3sunzzz

M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.

Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.

M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.

@OctopusCaveman

My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.

@GirlPetunia

Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..

@Prince_Smarming

Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.

@AdamBroud

[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?

Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em

@ThugRaccoons

Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?

Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.