@Browtweaten

Date: I like to take things slow

Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I

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@brianbowman73

I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”

At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.

@WGladstone

My upstairs landlord asked if screams were coming from my apt or if she was dreaming. Either way, one of us has a terrifying neighbor.

@NYC_Blonde

If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.

@YourDailyGroan

Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.

@iGreenMonk

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me now.

But no, she’s still alive.

@iwearaonesie

*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one

@LosLos__

Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?

Me: I have a nap for dealing with conflict.

Intvr: Do you mean “knack”?

*pulls out pillow*

@LeonEarlgrey

Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.

@RoosterMustache

ME: look a possum

HER: actually it’s spelled opossum

ME: you don’t no how I spelled it, we’re talking

HER: actually it’s spelled know

@MikeDrucker

TWITTER USERS: It would be nice if you stopped people making death threats.

TWITTER: OK, but what if those death threats could be LONGER?