I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
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My upstairs landlord asked if screams were coming from my apt or if she was dreaming. Either way, one of us has a terrifying neighbor.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me now.
But no, she’s still alive.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
wife:We have more than one
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me: I have a nap for dealing with conflict.
Intvr: Do you mean “knack”?
*pulls out pillow*
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
ME: look a possum
HER: actually it’s spelled opossum
ME: you don’t no how I spelled it, we’re talking
HER: actually it’s spelled know
TWITTER USERS: It would be nice if you stopped people making death threats.
TWITTER: OK, but what if those death threats could be LONGER?