Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
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At what age should you put the tonsils back in
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Wikigenius
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
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God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
This checks out
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.