DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
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Oh my god
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
An odd boast
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.