@truegritrumble

DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.

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@iSmokeJoints

Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.

@mjkspeaks

[arguing w girlfriend]

Her: I feel like we have communication problems.

Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.

@staufff

If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish

@OneWonderWoman

A facebook friend posted, “I’m not ashamed of Jesus.” It took every single ounce of my willpower not to reply, “Uh oh. What did he do now?”

@girlnarly

doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?

me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas

@idiot

#rudolph > .nose {
background: red;
border-radius: 50%;
@include shiny;
}

@bourgeoisalien

If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”