DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.

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Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.


[arguing w girlfriend]

Her: I feel like we have communication problems.

Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.


If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.


[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish


A facebook friend posted, “I’m not ashamed of Jesus.” It took every single ounce of my willpower not to reply, “Uh oh. What did he do now?”


doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?

me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas


#rudolph > .nose {
background: red;
border-radius: 50%;
@include shiny;


If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”