Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
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(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.