date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
You Might Also Like
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
im all 3
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.