date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
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Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
A roof is a house hat.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home