Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
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If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
don’t we all
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!