Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*

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all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”


[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”


My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!

Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.


Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly


Eat, Pray, Love was such a boring movie, I watched it on a plane and people still walked out.


“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer


Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.


The only difference between Black Friday and a zombie apocalypse is that zombies don’t care if you get the last iPad Mini.