@fro_vo

Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*

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@dadanddisorderl

4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*

Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*

4yo: *Starts telling it again*

Me: *Dies*

@theshantilly

10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades

Me: Cool

Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor

Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud

@IziBoy121

I bought a blowup doll today, but I won’t blow her up until tomorrow. I don’t want to seem desperate.

@SteveKoehler22

( spelling bee )

Your word is “passive-aggressive”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.

@ArfMeasures

ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?

@Fred_Delicious

*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”

@werehedgehog

Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.

@AngelaEhh

This liquid diet crap is a scam. I’ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I’m still fat.

@iwearaonesie

me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat

@mrtimlong

Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.