Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
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Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Me checking my bank balance online.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.