“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
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[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
My friend David recently lost his ID. Now we just call him dav.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Eat, Pray, Love was such a boring movie, I watched it on a plane and people still walked out.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
The only difference between Black Friday and a zombie apocalypse is that zombies don’t care if you get the last iPad Mini.