Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
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“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
mom gave me mine for free
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.