Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward

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If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific


Neighbor: Your husband is a talker.

Me: Mmm?

N: Your husband. He has a story for everything.

M: Oh, I wouldn’t know.


M: I stopped listening to him in 2003.


If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally


There are 3 types of people:

1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people


My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.


How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?


(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.