Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
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OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.