DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
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“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
🤣✨#caturday
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
<—- homeless romantic
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.