DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
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Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!